My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
