I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
