i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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