here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
