so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
