That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
3pm strippers are depressing
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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