ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
