went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
