u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
i need an iv and a liver transplant
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
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