My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
