Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
whose ass print is on the piano?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
