ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
