if i can run in heels then i can drive
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I think I just shit out all my problems.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
