I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
