I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
