worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
