My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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