You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
