So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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