Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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