I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
