Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
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i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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