I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
