I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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