I met the friendliest cop last night
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
