i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
My dick has a subreddit
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
