at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
