Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
