Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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