I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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