Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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