There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
