Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I deserve this hangover.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
