Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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