the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
