I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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