When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
