Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
