Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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