First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
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