I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
