I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
