you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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