My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
She told me I should be a condom model.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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