My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
