You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
