Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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