im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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