Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
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