Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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