its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
