never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
