He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
