she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm way too hungover for life right now
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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