it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize