The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
ok first of all what the fuck
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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