Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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