Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
