what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
